Lucidity

August 14th, 2007

The following was written over three months ago in an extremely rare moment of lucidity:

You are clearly, at this very moment, not living your right life. This is not why you were put on this planet. But you are a human and flexible and resilient and very capable of change. So use that capacity and change your direction. Remember that you should do everything with a right life in mind, everything you do should be value adding, not life draining. So when it comes to mundane things like cleaning, these are not things you need to or have to do, these are things you want to do in the name of higher presence and better living. Bear in mind the advice presented by Yoga Journal in the last issue and be absolutely 100% aware and present in the moment that you’re doing the chores and you can transcend the event into the meaning and fulfillment behind the event.

So keeping these things in mind, then how does this apply to my j.o.b? While the work you do here is not explicitly harmful to anyone, eventually the stuff you put out there comes back in the form of a suit. But I think the way to keep yourself from feeling crappy about work is to remember the compliance and customer-friendly aspects of what you do. If you try to make or mold your position into a more end-user friendly one, then this could be livable for a while longer.

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Acceptance

April 18th, 2007

At some point soon I think I must accept that maybe my future doesn’t hold that “one great thing” or that my name may not be remembered by people outside my family. I think if that were to be my future, I would already be on that path and that doesn’t seem to be the case. I believe I may be past the point in my life where that possibility could come true, that possible future “off-shoot” of reality is already gone, I missed my turn near Albuquerque. I may have to accept a life less than great. I may have to accept a normal life and that is really depressing me today.

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Inner Turmoil

April 4th, 2007

I seem to be having some conflicting desires, for instance the desire to be well dressed by shopping at moderate-to-expensive stores like Dillard’s or Macy’s versus the desire to only spend my money on things that are truly valuable and will not hurt someone else in the making (fair trade, u.s. made, ecologically sound, etc.). I am also conflicted about wealth and money. In my head and my heart I KNOW that these are not the same thing. I KNOW that I am already rich beyond compare but I still crave more money and the things it can buy (again in conflict with my inner conscientious purchaser) — my desire for a safe, clean planet is conflicting with my desire for a fast, hot car — my desire for a fair-trade, fair-labor kind of world conflicts with my desire for a cheap, $7 fashion store — my desire for more stuff conflicts with my desire for a simpler lifestyle — my desire to be a sex-pot drunken party girl conflicts with my desire for self-respect and inner peace. What are my values? What are my principles? What is most important to me?

The reason I’m having such a hard time deciding between people and animals is because I still believe there should be a difference between them. Cruelty is cruelty is cruelty. It doesn’t matter if it’s people or animals. There is no division or separation. Being vegan is a means to an end and will probably be the only way I am involved in that particular battle. What is more important than stopping cruelty to animals? Domestic labor issues, national health care, world-wide human rights violations, environmental preservation (unbridled consumerism/disposability), global economies, health and nutrition of Americans. What makes you mad enough to write to someone about it? Apparently, Krispy Kreme’s use of trans fat in their doughnuts makes me mad enough to complain to the company.

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