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More… and more
Having serious trouble pulling myself up by my own bootstraps today. Suspect it may not all be physiological, potentially psychological as well. Based on my mood and subsequent behavior yesterday, today doesn’t look to be too much better — not optimistic anyway. Just occurred to me I still haven’t submitted the VA VONAPP. When that realization hit, I truly wanted to just smack my head on the desk, or any solid surface for that matter. It didn’t happen, but in my mind’s eye it was crystal clear. That’s how I feel about everything, just want to bang my head on the table or a wall. It’s fucked up for sure.
It seems the person I represent here at work is moderately, and happily productive. I think of all kinds of things that need to be done at home (a.k.a. not here). I make lists for myself, love notes, words of encouragement, whatever I think it will take to accomplish those things that need to happen. Then I get home. And I am representing a completely, totally, utterly different person. The person I become when I am at home is slothful, lazy, depressed, wretched and living in filth. Task lists and words of encouragement go completely out the window. Gone! What the hell happens? What is going on here??? Is this something I can fix on my own? Will this require professional help? I’m beginning to wonder about it, truly.